Why My Days Lack Space
This is a translated version of Ko's first essay of a series "Am I Addicted to Dopamine?"1
"I'm spending this weekend in complete peace!"
My husband Kang must have been surprised to hear me say this while he was packing for a trip to Seoul. It’s not a phrase you’d expect from someone who constantly says, “Where’s my phone?” or “I’m bored.” My calendar is always packed with tasks and appointments. I sleep better after a busy day. But suddenly, I wanted a calm, serene weekend.
The next morning, after Kang left for the airport, I started thinking about my weekend plans. First, I grabbed my smartphone and aimlessly browsed YouTube. Then I remembered a recently ended show, Run Away with Sunjae. Searching for it, I saw "binge-watch" in the suggestions. I clicked the thumbnail, and before I knew it, it was well past lunchtime. I had watched a condensed 4-hour version of the 16-episode drama.
When was the last time I watched a full drama? It felt like ages. Even after watching the 4-hour summary, I searched for episode highlights to fill in the gaps. I ate hastily and spent the entire day glued to the screen. Without work or appointments, I thought I’d have a boring weekend, but it turned out to be thrilling and exciting.
It’s not just about content. I often try to fill my life with only the "essentials": important tasks, memorable conversations, and meeting new people. When did I start finding everything else boring and worthless? I don’t deny the value of intense, enriching moments. I love feeling alive through high-density, high-stimulation experiences.
The problem arises when I can’t maintain this level of intensity. Life can’t always be packed with such experiences. There are always gaps: while eating, during short breaks, or in the shower. I struggle to leave these gaps alone. I’m always thinking, listening to podcasts, or watching videos. On low-energy days, I feel compelled to watch YouTube before bed. It’s like I need to exhaust my daily quota of stimulation and reward, cramming in high-density content until I collapse into sleep.
I recently learned that my problem might be related to dopamine. Dopamine is a neurotransmitter involved in reward and stimulation. Getting used to quick, immediate rewards can disrupt dopamine regulation, leading to addiction. This makes everything else feel dull and boring. I saw a video about addiction, and many symptoms seemed to match my recent behavior.
Like a dog that hasn’t been walked and messes up the living room, I get anxious when I have unspent energy. How can I create more gaps in my life and enjoy the empty spaces? For the next three weeks, I’ll examine my state and try methods to lower my high dopamine threshold. I want to find peace, free from dopamine’s grip.
While "dopamine addiction" is not the precise term, it helps convey the concept of being addicted to actions or substances that trigger dopamine release.↩